Tranquil Madness

Sometimes when we think we are smarter

2008-04-04T00:29:00.005+08:00

I have learned that humility is the only way to success. It is a painful process of accepting defeat, absorbing guilt, and feeling inferior. It is that painful process one goes through even if his bright mind knows better. It is keeping quiet even if your mind screams. It is an excruciatingly difficult thing to do especially if you are the type of person who has a lot to say. Sometimes it leads to hating people and to dreaming of revenge. But somehow, some core inside you makes you stop. You are encouraged to fight but I've realized that I cannot fight for myself. I fight for other people. I fight for my faith...But i don't fight for "me", my things, my heart, my intelligence.
Wow. Intelligence. Makes me cringe for writing the phrase "my intelligence". I never acknowledged that. My closest friends and relatives know that I am one who says that My God owns my brain. I have witnessed it so many times.
Success... Most of the time we associate it with the money we earn, the degree we have taken up, the position we are holding, etc. If that is the definition of success, I guess I have reached that point. But i took with me valuable lessons. Even to this day, i pray for humility because sometimes I get that tendency to know better and i know for a fact i am. But just knowing that fact makes me uncomfortable because that fact does not belong to me. It belongs to Him.
But success makes people believe that they are superior, that they are smarter. It is very scary.
There was this one day when a thought came to me. Some people have higher positions, they earn more yet when I ponder more on their status vs mine, I would realize that this situation is unfair. I know better, I work harder, I deserve better. It just made me think "eh sana ako na lang binabayaran ng ganyan eh parang masmagaling pa ako sa kanya". Pause. Goosebumps. Ang kapal ng mukha ko.
Success has its downfalls too. Humility that brought you up is lost. and those times when we think we are smarter, it just makes us more stupid. Stupid to think that we know more when success was achieved when we knew less.

restlessness and cecile licad

2008-03-31T11:00:00.002+08:00

i feel restless and sad. i spend the nights thinking of the reasons why along with the work and chores that have been piling up. ..i don't know. im still analyzing about what the root cause is. i tried reading blogs about happiness, my old writings about joy. but they don't bring the same effect. or maybe i decided to be sad. happiness after all is a decision. I have so many things in mind that i want to talk about, write about. But i try very hard not to because i know for sure it's the loneliness that will surface. so maybe that is why i surf the net. it's like window shopping. you browse along places without knowing why. you mindlessly wander around.

...last friday was supposed to be the day i cross out one of the things i will be doing before i die. supposed to be the day...it did not happen. i was not able to watch cecile licad. i have been longing to watch her live. youtube does not give justice to how her fingers make love with the piano. it does not give me the chills..the goosebumps...there was an interview then and when she talked, i thought she was gay. her voice became deeper and more hoarse sounding. tama..magpiano na lang sya...
..i told my husband that she is my idol, that i have longed to watch her concert. he did not get the hint. thus, no tickets bought.. i don't blame him though. i guess because he was not there during the time i was practicing my sonatas. he was not there when i listened to NU107 in the morning then shifted to 98.7 for the half of my journey going to the office. we had our relationship during the time my piano playing became seldom to rare and during the time my piano was on the verge of breaking down. or maybe because when you get married you lose interest of the wants of our partners. my husband would spoil me with food. something i am starting to regret telling him (i told him that our family live to eat), that particular something i do not like to eat anymore. and i guess the interest stopped there. and sometimes...i wonder, it maybe could have been better if i got married with a friend......... yeah....di rin.
but then again, it could be nice if you share passions with your husband. i guess there is not much similarity to speak of. opposites complement that is why they attract. some people say their partners are their bestfriends. i am not one who will say the same thing. i wish though...truly.

so cecile licad..i hope you do another concert here..ill be buying the tickets myself. =)

When we are mad

2005-05-12T16:21:00.000+08:00

Author's note: I miss my old, angsty self. This morning was not one of those good mornings. When someone would say "good morning!", I'd usually retort "What's good about the morning?" and at the back of my head I'd continue saying "certainly not you." BITCH.

When we are mad
The morning has turned black
Like the smoke that filled the window
As if a hundred cigarettes were blown in front of me

The demonlike face has destroyed the halo above me
The volcano has erupted as the fire in his face
brought shivers to my skin
I shouted, sending millions of decibels
that hounded, pounded, broke my heart.

He growled without waiting for an answer.
I said sorry with all anger
and he gave me the last look.
I saw myself in him.
He did not see me.

33rd

2005-04-20T13:52:00.000+08:00

it's our 33 wk already. i am still amazed how i was able to hold on for this long. my duration would only last til the 4th wk until the 8th on the average.
33rd and i feel that we have been together for 10 years. every week i get this tantrum and he absorbs everything like a sponge. wawa.
i am getting fat as well. 10 lbs!!!!!
my pessimistic self asks me when i will let go. i dont know, it's as if when something is started, i think of the ending immediately. this makes me feel so stressed and more unproductive.
i still think about becoming a nun. there is this certain excitement when i think about a complete transformation. somehow, transforming oneself outside the religious realm is quite impossible.
a nun...it looks more pleasing than being married.

Their only words anyway este They're pala...

2005-04-19T22:32:00.000+08:00

I have this habit of uttering out of the world words which translates to a more common and known noun, verb, adjective, or adverb in the dictionary. Sometimes, those words are completely wrong...este..often..most often...almost always..That's why I just write. I sound smarter when I write. duh.
Here are the list of words. Since I have not validated my words, maybe my imbentong vocabulary, grammar, and "nagfeefeeling witty" comments are correct naman.

ejaculate - i meant eject
it's not obligatory for you- you are not obliged. (is obligated a word in the dictionary?)..obligatory seems like a correct word.
I like your maong jeans ---DUH?! maong jeans?!!!
Why are you speeding so fast?! -- duh..driving so fast diba?
youre such a jest-- duh..jester. (jest came from the word zest that was on a million tarps back then..ze-ze-ze-zest!)
coming-going - i always get confused. plus the fact im greenminded.
de-growth -- meron bang ganyan?!this came from the words growth and decline. so pag nagincrease ang sales, you say "sales inclined" hehe
detonate - and this was the exact opposite of the word im thinking. up to this moment, im still thinking of the right word. see, im relying on stock knowledge (duh.) I told my friends "buti nga na-detonate nila yung bomb." they said "so may namatay? bakit buti nga?" ..i said "ay, ibig kong sabihin, di sumabog yung bomba"....and they said the correct word...i still don't remember..
what do you mean by "in any case"?
and the most famous and recent booboos...the story of by and by vs later.
"yeah he's mestizo. he's a spaniard eh." --okay. panahon ni magellan.
"so what are the plans of the isrealites now? -- fine. they plan to go to egypt.
" samarians or samaritans?" -- no comment.
"who is ruling mesopotamia now?" -- ah. iraq iha. iraq.

Just a thought. maybe we should change persian cats to iranian cats.

lyrics.com - this may be a longer list. sample muna..
i only learned this when i was working already...Sting's Message in a Bottle....And i did not even have a clue... At the end of each stanza when sting's voice becomes really really low, he'd sing, as i understood it then, "message in a pot of gold"and i always wondered where the bottle word would be inserted. So there. it was really "message in a bottle-llll" "lll" signified the extra syllable which i thought was "gold".
meron pa...i'd sing " you don't give me love..you give me pale shelter. you don't give me love. you give me calm down." ayos. no sense at all. but it sure sounds like the right lyrics. my officemate said it should be "cold hands". i believe her. she was real new wave baby anyway.

that's all for now.

Randomly Morbid Thoughts

2005-04-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

Author’s Note: From my pessimistic attitude, very creative imagination, and advocacy to the truth, these thoughts are those I don’t want to happen though very probable they might become. The world is getting cruel, everyone eats shit sometimes..consistently.

One day I shall get a nervous breakdown for thinking too much. My dad has given me this gene. I’m glad he is still alive.

One day I shall commit suicide for taking everything in.

One day, my breasts will burst and loads of fat will be taken off my body.

One day I shall let go and become the bummest bum in the world.

One day I will become poor and will have to beg in the streets.

One day, I shall get better and better and more stressed and the whole world will become my enemy.

One day, the whole world will end and I will be left on this earth with criminals and my boss.

One day, all the angst will wrinkle my face.

I might not have children. (I’d like to think not having children will be my choice not my limitation)

One day my boyfriend will leave me.

One day, I will not crave for lovemaking.

One day, my partner will just open my legs, penetrate me, then sleep or be off to work. (Men can be such assholes)

One day, I will be as fat as my boss.

One day, I will become my boss.

One day, I will realize my boyfriend is just like my brother after all.

One day, my father will not help me at all.

I will be a sad bitch when I die.

I see myself selling bananaques in front of office buildings with a big apron with big and deep pocket holes.

And lastly….

I see myself working so hard in the office, cooking at home, doing chores, helping kids with assignments, bringing them and fetching them to and from school, doing groceries,
Doing finance planning, getting fatter and fatter, getting beaten by my husband, seeing my husband sleep and say “I’m tired.” (curse curse curse….)

Time and Tide.

2004-11-25T11:51:00.000+08:00

note: this really must be pms. when this routine started, i was amazed by how we still try to see each other even for just a short time. at least, we get to see each other. now, my expectations are climbing up the charts again. well, not really. those short time (s) take up our rest time (s) that we get sick na rin. so what is there to be thankful for? now this is REALLY PMS.

Nov 26
Ry - go out with college friends
Pom - work

Nov 27
am
Pom - go out with officemates
Ry - will TRY to do shopping. i dont like hassles during xmas kasi eh. i hate buying gifts as well. but i have to. and it's time that i have to try to learn. only once in my life i enjoyed shopping for xmas. it was with a friend. we started shopping around 9 then we ended around 3pm. around this time, Pom will be deadtired. and even if he tells me that we cant go shopping yet coz it's not sweldo time for him, this free time shall never happen whether or not payday has come. it's like being single again. afternoons will be handled by moi. goodbye to the dream of having someone to hold hands with while walking in the malls. for a movie lover, I have only watched two movies with him. no change even when i was single. BUT he needs his rest and now im complaining already. DAMN these mood swings.
- will try to find suppliers of baskets.
- will watch a movie (im not going to watch a movie tonight anymore)
pm
Pom & Ry - go to bernie's for the farewell party...sleep (puyatan na naman!).

Saturday Nights: i was used to sleeping early or going out late with friends. aposento was the place. eisen was my partner. Pom was my kulitan partner at home. now, saturday nights are not even intimate. always at parties.(okay. o.a. lang ako.) and we both keep on yawning.
sometimes, id want to go out on saturday nights but this is the only time we can be together..longer....

Nov 28
am
Pom - sleep
Ry - attend mass
- hopefully do some chores and gift wrap if there is anything to wrap
- meeting with some clients (wedding) but this meeting is not sure yet.
- willl TRY to do some shopping again.
pm
Pom - family time
Ry - sleeping time

okay... i shall not continue anymore. this is just a masochistic way of epitomizing my mood swings. bottomline, i miss him.
really, my mom has this way of making me feel cheap. now i question my boyfriend why i have to "stretch" and be the one to meet up with him for breakfast just because i wont be able to see him in the pm. that short 30 mins of saying hi, hello, eating, and then goodbye was okay with me. id complain to him pa nga that i always see him already. now my mom....there she goes again with her opinion "dont show him too much".
ayos. tang ina. note: this can be ignored if you are a close friend. you know very well that this is just one of those days. but i shall not realize that yet. schizobitch.

but what if my prediction is right? my time, your time? party time? quality time? rest time? play time? recuperation time? time of the month? NO MORE TIME. one day, we will both be tired. (p-e-s-s-i-m-i-s-t-i-c)

Oh their goodness!

2004-11-15T13:41:00.000+08:00

This is an activity I shall be doing to remind myself that life is really good and that the bad things that happen will just be followed by a “duh?!”, a question mark. Let me start with good things in my relationship. Note: happiness is a decision. If I dwell on the bad and not even acknowledge my learning, then I will not grow nor gain any wisdom. When we are overwhelmed with grief or sadness, all happiness is erased, as if the world or God or nature has been unfair all along. I have overcome that state when I have realized what a beautiful world this is and much more when I realized that the world’s beauty is nothing compared to the promise of heaven. And now that I am in an entirely new dimension of growth, specifically the dimension of relationships, I would want to remember the good. Practically speaking, if there will be a time that I will think about letting go or giving up, I shall go back to this piece and the other pieces I shall be making and then decide. Because in those times when we are in the hands of weakness, that certain weakness that breaks the bonds of relationships, that specific “I give up”, the only thing we can cling to is goodness, that specific gift of love which makes us loyal to the covenant God has imparted.

Pom…..
1. has courted me traditionally
2. visits me in the house
3. makes me laugh (super di obvious since people think im the noisy one.)
4. washed, waxed, and vacuumed my car when I got sick
5. has tried to overcome his “family alienation syndrome” when he introduced me to his family and when he invited me to eat dinner in his house (though not with his family). This is still an issue but I do hope he will get over this as I would really like to “not feel uncomfortable” around the Valinos.
6. gave me flowers when he proposed to me
7. gave me flowers when I cried because of work problems (first time that I cried because of work). Gist: I went home and there were flowers on my bed. The message read “ Cheer up hun. I shall see you later.”
8. gave me flowers when I felt so bad that I was not able to eat dinner with him because of work. I knew he felt bad as well since he had to wake up early just so he can have dinner with me before going to work.(graveyard shift sha)
9. Got my license
10. fetched me in tagaytay right after his work (6am from makati til 8am in tagaytay travel time. Imagine how high his drowse levels must be!). Saw him smiling as he gave me flowers (4th time) and said “good morning!”
11. gave a magnificent breakfast treat at breakfast@antonio’s in tagaytay
12. and I went to tagaytay together in one of those weekends that I really needed some fresh air and rejuvenation (damn my office life!)
13. gives the best kiss
14. gives the best hug.. (I shall stop describing any physical intimacies already..hehe)
15. can be left alone with my friends
16. tells me I am beautiful even if I look fat, mufasa-like, and even if I have just gotten up from a forced wake up call in the morning. (pom, if you are reading this, this does not excuse you for pinching my bilbil noh!)
17. tells me he loves me so much in the wee hours of the morning
18. surprised me with a midnight “hello” call. And “you’re still sleeping” call at 7:45 am today
19. gave me his bronze pilot wings
20. writes beautiful letters
21. shared with me security access codes
22. shared with me his concerns in looking for a job
23. is patient with my moodswings that are translated to a monthly, “break na tayo!” brought about by my period..hehe..
24. hates crying ladies..but tries to be understanding towards my waves of sadness
25. exchanged a blissful tagaytay gimmik with his officemates for a promise of a dinner treat with me..

Back to work muna..pampakilig lang

Like a thief in the night....

2004-09-15T20:22:00.000+08:00

My mother used to tell me that love will come like a thief in the night. It will steal your heart in the most unexpected time.
I was happy being single - going out every friday with the now defunct SATC group, sleeping anytime i wanted to, couch potatoeing in the laziest hours, devoting myself to prayer and bible study, and of course....dating...
He was not even in my list. He is one that i would consider too nice to be a man. He cannot be a "safe risk". If i become to close, it will become too dangerous.
I have bought my new sofa bed, my own tv, my own car, and planned to buy a new home theater system for my room. The bliss of being single! My own time. My own space. My own leisure. My own work. My own emotions..
I was content to be alone...forever...yep. not even lonely.
He persisted though.. Yep. I have turned him down in the most frank of all turn downs. I dont turn down guys, do I? I was too nice to do that. And neither was I bitchy. I owed him honesty but for what duh reason?! Why should he deserve my almost mature attitude?
He understood me in ways only a friend can understand. Yet, he did not want to be "just friends". He knew my moods. Told me he loved me in every occasion he'd see me.
Yuck mushy. He did not tell me to shut up when i was noisy. He marveled at my "lone" dancing, head banging, hip swaying, "shouted singing", and baroqueish accents in any chinese, filipino, and indian invented language.
Grr... He did not quit.
Anyway, this will be too long if i go into my usual blow by blow storytelling again....and so....
He came when I did not need any man complicating my life. I was deadset in walking the path of the singlehood madness. He came during the time I was happy and content in being myself. So maybe he came not unexpectedly..Maybe i was being prepared for his coming. And I thought i'd be a nun next year! He came quietly. No sparks. No cloud nines. No yiheeess... But i felt comfortable being with him even if there is fear not knowing the unknown. Grr...Yeah. I guess this site was meant to have this certain feeling as an inspiration....
Tranquil Madness...It's like who I am with my first boyfriend*, Paul. Like a thief in the night, he captured me...It started slow but i came crashing fast...Yep. Free fall if you'd like to be more scientific. It was madness..yet very comforting.and then i remember sonnet 17 by pablo neruda.
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep" ..
so yeah...i guess so...this is deeper than deep. another oxymoron in my life... a pleasant surprise.. and i do get mushy more often now...

*yep. first boyfriend. legally..not a safe risk anymore*

Driving my life

2004-07-19T12:40:00.000+08:00

It was just last Friday that I drove again. No, not anymore the Optimus prime but my temp, Lancelot, my grandmother's car. It was a grand reunion. Shocking yet grand. The last time i drove it was 3 years back when my grandmom went vacationing and left the car to me. That time, i had 3 mos of bliss. Driving around the metropolis and going home to my temporaray abode, my apartment (which was rented out for free. business reasons). I then lived close to the office, left after work, drove to Alabang to get coffee, and be back at exactly 12 midnight to sleep.Ah. the life. the perks. Plus Dave Matthews Band.
It did not have a CD player but i was still on cassettes anyway. I had a shoebox filled with the cure, a mix of nu wave, some basil valdez,hajii alejandro, a mix of classical music, patti austin, and an old old singles soundtrack. What more could i ask for?!When my grand mom went home, it was a sad parting for me and my Lancelot.
Seeing him again was a major tragedy. Gone is the shine of the white paint which is now filled with scratches of green. Seats were undoubtedly crushed deep due to the overweight drivers it had. I had to place a very very very fat pillow so i can elevate myself. And the radio..my dear radio....would only start if you punch it three times. At least the aircon was still working perfectly after some complaints from the fan belt. Id see roach eggs on the side. eeekkkkk!!! But then again, Friday was gimmik night. It was my time to be with my girls and boys. And since my gimmik place was even far from makati, I cannot expect my friends to drive me home anymore. So alas! The former Lancelot, who is now the old King Arthur, and I journeyed to my office to my gimmik place and then back home.
I thought I'd cry on the journey. but only a tear fell because my window was not working. I had to open the other side just so i can smoke. But the radio did not fail me. The engine worked perfectly. I still went 120-150 in C5 (only for a few seconds though) until it wiggled. Blasting music from the 80's would be heard and speakers were not actually tin sounding yet. So i was fine. Ah. the memories. It was nice head banging with the Cure's Boys Dont Cry. It was so liberating shouting Under pressure with Queen and David Bowie.
Fast Cars. Driving. They give me a sense of belonging. That passersby are not the people i have to contend with. The only fear was with tricycles, motorcycles, and pedestrians. I was myself. I can curse. I can smoke. I can pray the longest prayer. I can smile. I can act. It was the only place i can overreact. But as i park, I would then forget what turns i made, what places i have passed, as if my short term memory was erased (hehe! 50 first dates!). The only thing left is the feeling of exhaustion that was the result of being so alert since i drove so fast. I'd then pause and breathe deeply. As if I was holding my breath in the duration of my trip.
Then i thought about my life now. How these past few months have been. Fast. like my driving. Everything came at the same time. A lot were good but the few that were bad were those things i cannot imagine myself doing. I felt i was floating. Too fast. Too good. It was addicting. Slowing down did not help because I was consumed with "self-magnificence". And I was stubborn. I said i was still in control but man, it was tiring. The feeling of exhaustion has been evident during the weekend that I gagged liked a teenager who had his first hangover. Up to now, my head has been aching trying to recall how everything started. Good thing I go home. To my real home. It's a reality check. If i was still going home to my former vicinity, I may have been dead from driving too fast. too quickly. I would have lost control and something else would have been behind the wheel. At least i have stopped. Where i am headed next, I do not know. Too many potholes and "mudpile"(imbento!) and stoplights and traffic. Im thankful though. If everything ran too smoothly, I could have driven to ruin my life..body and soul.

It's that thing that makes me go...

2004-06-24T08:42:00.000+08:00

COFFEE!!!! I miss the smell of real brewed coffee. Since the time i started going to work via C5, no more magallanes to see. No more baristas to ask me "ryanne, the usual?" I miss those baristas. They actually wanted me join them for the love of coffee.

I now get nauseated easily with instant. I now know the difference between pale bitterness and the "brewed" bitterness.

Ahh..i miss new york city. Walking with tons of people in the cold dry morning while hands are still warmed by the hot mug i would carry around.

The aroma of coffee is the best. Lavishly inhaling its S-shaped evaporation is a slow sexy movement. It's like inhaling the scent of cologne of a guy before cuddling and squeezing yourself nearer to his body. The scent of coffee just entices me to close my eyes, linger for a moment, open my eyes, stare at the mug, follow the S-shaped movement, and finally roll my eyes, take a deep breath and let out a slow but meaningful..AHHHH..with my head bent backwards and my two hands gripping the mug....Then take a sip, lick my lips, and say THIS IS SOOOOOO GOOD....The next step is to get a puff. Nothing beats coffee aroma w/ winston lights smoke. Two sticks for a tall non fat cappuccino will be fine. Stay within 20 mins and I will be up and about. Longer time means more coffee and cigarettes. Still, it would be A1 if there is conversation going on. COFFEE CONVERSATIONS I CALL THEM. They are the most revealing, most intimate, most corny, most shallow, most romantic, most funny, and compared to alcohol banter, the safest tete- a -tete. Coffee.... I may lose calcium, vitamin C, have lung cancer, and die early. But i dont abuse. I just optimize.

AND I TAKE ANOTHER SIP.......I LET OUT A BIG SIGH...

This is the life. Drinking coffee is bliss. It's orgasmic.

Tomorrow, i'll be up early and pass by magallanes. I miss those baristas. But i know my coffee misses me more.

615

2004-06-15T13:18:00.000+08:00

there is a piercing ache that numbs me
when everything seems to be in good light
i am saddened
for what is there to see besides my own sarcasm

the hurt is there.
some egotistical reason that i should not be
claiming im better

but im happy
somehow.
there are more reasons for it anyway

but something stops me
my hallucination gets to be my own nemesis

as i stare and watch the leaves sway,
i try to smell the flowers.
yes they are there.
i am not..but im hoping to arrive soon.

June 11 - Optimus prime strikes again!

2004-06-15T13:16:00.000+08:00

After 6 days of barely sleeping, not going home early (or better yet, going home early in the morning), and nonstop gimmicking with my cousins from LA, i have decided not to go out today.
I shall see the sun again when i go home!! yipee...i can imagine myself lying on my bed with just brazilian music playin..but not quite yet...im still here. another 5 hours of work.
FRIDAY. a day im supposed to wear a skirt. i love that skirt. i look 7 years younger with that. and since i dont wear make up, i know this guy from this bar would ask for my id again. grrr...
i reminded myself im not going out. sayang ang skirt. wore practically old clothes (again, hate shopping)...i was all set to drive fast to prevent myself from falling asleep. Watching paolo santos last night really did nothing to boost my friday. anyway, c5 was such a breeze until i heard (ha! my hearing is still okay despite my 1000000 decibels of music) metals screwing the road.
okay. flat tire. Thank God i did not skid. I was at 0 kph anyway. the benefits of a destroyed speedometer..
i dont drive a car...It's a van i call optimus prime. this is the third time it went kaplank!
Flat tires, overheating, falling doors, and stuck wipers! name it, he has it! I really feel it's his time to transform.
anyway, changing tires was quite fast. at least it was not the door falling. mabigat yon!
that thing which keeps the spare tire just went kablag! okay so putol na ang metal. rusty.
just for the record, optimus is not mine. he wont be like this if i owned him.
so it's noon. it has been a long day already. i want my coffee. or maybe a tall zen tea with a shot of mint and honey will be great!
need to watch shrek2. but optimus gave enough animation for the day.
now i wish i did not give up staying in the apt....hassle hassle hassle...
i shall work now. i just hope optimus will not transform again later.

my june 7 post

2004-06-15T13:14:00.000+08:00

dead tired last saturday. left the fone in my house. received around 10 missed calls (a friend of mine receives more though). had around 17 msgs (still an amateur compared to my friends). i never thought leaving my cp at home was such a big deal. weekends are quiet days where in my fone does not do anything but stay inside my room while i spend my non-work days couch potatoeing...(imbentong word!). but last saturday was pain in the body, mind, and fingers. had to text those people who were so upset since i did not reply. but somehow, i could not blame them. this is a world where technology makes slaves out of human beings. saturday was my bro's bday too. my bro = steaks. i love steaks!
and i thought i could watch a movie last sunday. but alas! relatives from the states came and i had to bring them to ghills for shopping. i dont shop. i hate shopping but i love my cousins and my aunt! my feet hurt and i longed for a good cup of coffee (okay, sounded so incoherent..feet hurting and coffee...makes no sense to me).. going to 3rd floor virramall was a nightmare! pirated cds and vcds and DVDS were just plainly exposed! That was the time i wished i was blind. My aunt even bought around a hundred dvds!!! the redundant guy kept on insisting i should buy and i just told him..."Leave me alone you mofo! i am from showbiz!! " hehe!
Then my childish urge came to haunt me..possess me...i took pictures of those people buying and selling. I even said "hey, smile!". I received dagger looks of course! But I did not miss seeing their hands gathering the "garbage" which were then kept under the racks.
The night was spent with stories of our families, laughter, and booze. We were a crazy lot!
June is a busy month...and a rainy one as well...when will i be able to watch a movie..sit back and relax?...i miss my bed!!!

Some kind of a new music..sorta..lika..whateva..

2004-06-03T13:32:00.000+08:00

I have just discovered I have had this passion for different tunes and artist for quite a long time already (ssssssllllllooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww).
Surfing the net brought such delight in such discovery. Downloading mp3s in the office was the most amazing thing I learned last 2002! Well, my learning was short lived for mp3s and downloading are not permitted anymore since the start of 2003. Now I have to suffer the very very very slow winmix downloading in my own pc. Yeah, next time, I’ll invest in multimedia. I will have to buy a house first.

Anyway, Ryanboy has helped me research for new artists. Jason Mraz was one new person last 2002. I fell in love with him instantly! That time as well, I have grown to love Dave Matthews and his band. No more Crash into me but Crush. No more Ants Marching and hello Grey Street! Jason looked like Hugh Grant in a less fortunate image though. But I like his songs…those which I cannot decipher. I would like to go to San Diego and that beach where he jams with Poca, whoever he is.

Ryan has also introduced a Christian Catholic Band, Stephen Speaks. That time, no station was playing any SP song yet. I loved the band. I loved the songs. Most of all, I love the way they based their lyrics from the Bible. Grr….Im selfish with my music most of the time. I hated it when their songs were overplayed and teenagers fell helplessly infatuated with the boys.

Then came Jack Johnson with his blues tunes. Flake has this nice string duet. Was that Jeff Buckley or am I mixing names again? I love his song Dreams be dreams. Nice beach tune but the way he made his arrangement with the strings was still audible. And there’s more.

Nick Drake. I think he is so cute. He died at the age of 25(?). I don’t memorize what I read and my memory retention lasts only within the duration of my reading. He is the man behind Northern Sky of the Serendipity soundtrack. He has a lot of meaningful poems. I hope I can be able to hear what melodies he has placed for them.

Ani Di Franco. And I thought Barbie of Barbie’s cradle had an original voice. I remember her band won the best band in our school with a very poor impersonation of Doris of the Cranberries. And then with her nice slow-fast beats, I thought she was better with her own musical genre..that was before I learned about the Ani di Franco. The original singer of 32 flavors. Her songs are great. Her guitar playing is even more flawless. A different expertise I do respect apart from our very own Cynthia Alexander.

Now, my research has led me to Beth Orton(or is it Orthon, I forget!), Anya Marina, and Maria Mena. The latter’s song is heard on radio. Nice lyrics and similar beats of Ani di Franco. But she’s only 18. I visited her website and got a pre-audio view of her album. Great songs, each packed with a unique set of lyrics and tunes. Being Norwegian, her voice blends perfectly with her own sound. Anya Marina however is just starting.. a promising act I would want to follow. The German Heather Nova is also a prominent artist in soundtracks. Her wistful yet strong-sweet voice can just make you fall in love. And then I should not forget The Natalie Merchant, Indigo Girls, Joni M., and uhmm..who else…too many gifted musicians.

Piano playing shall never be forgotten. Hats off to Tori Amos though eccentric (weird is a better word for Bjork) in her videos. I almost cried when I watched her play with two pianos at the same time while singing Cornflake Girl. In some songs, you would think she is bringing a positive message yet a second or third or a even fourth play (fourthplay…hmmmmm…) will make you ponder on the lyrics. Negative rin pala. Angst filled sometimes. Then there is Vienna Teng. Soulful. Although the recording seems a bit poor. I would like to watch her perform live. There’s Ms. N Jones whose voice just lulls you. Sex weather. Makes you want to sleep with someone.

There are too many to mention. (wow! Slam book). I still listen to the cure and sting and of course the musical rock new wave pop gods, U2. Paul Hewson aka Bono is still someone I would want to sleep with (sounds of NJones in the background).

I wish John Lennon was still alive so I can join one of his pot sessions so we can play good music. Hehe! My dad will just kill me! And there is BB king and Eric Clapton too.

For now, I’m just content to relax and unwind at Pete’s place to hear Merville and Pque men (young and old) play a wide range of music. Jazz, Rock, Blues, World Music. I wish I can hear them jam to Al Jarreau’s Spain.

I am through with acting and showbizness, music has been my first love after all. Shall I now venture into it? Nah….later..later…magvo-voice lessons muna ako! Mihihihiyohohohohohohohoho (5x in different keys)! vocalize!

Eisen'spasta and Rene's crinkles

2004-06-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

Sunday was nice after all. Eisen prepared lunch for me and proudly presented her new recipe.Well not hers but she can perfectly follow instructions and concoct some of her own culinary magic. As i did not have a car, i boldly asked her to pick me up. Bummer! coz i still have to go back at 4:00pm since the system will be off from 10am to 4pm.
Then again, as if God still showed mercy, Mercia was still running.

I was really down. Spent most of the Sunday morning crying. I guess Ma and Pa have noticed this. I did not want to talk about it.

Eisen was a breath of fresh air. She, with her impatient self, did not stop texting that she was waiting at the lobby. She was not there. She parked after all. and with her cute dog Oscar! hay! I debated with myself if i will tell her. I did not want to add any more problems. But heck! my heart was killing me. I told her instead. And she was very malambing.

She spoiled me. (now im sounding like a lesbian). I just sat there. waited for her to finish setting up and i felt like a queen. hay! tranquil madness! sonic nirvana! Food was great. It's this pasta with grilled chicken and mozzarella on top. We also had Caesar salad. And of course, dunkin donuts for dessert. Heaven! Sharing with her my problems brought me to tears. I think it's the first time I cried because I was hurt and hurt was caused by family. I wanted to cry out loud but i cannot. I would not. She just listened. And maybe she did not know what to do. But it was alright. I just needed to talk to someone badly. I felt so helpless.

We watched Next Stop in Wonderland again. She liked it. Insightful indie romance film.

Rene texted me. He wanted to bring food. He bought me Becky's Kitchen crinkles. He even went to Eis' house just to give me the sweets. He was so sweet that he even brought me back to the office.

Hay! very nice people. I needed them that day. I dreaded going home. but weird that my dad has been waiting for me all day near my office. Maybe he thought i was going to run away. duh?! Well, he picked me up. the ride was awkward. I still felt so hurt. We both attended mass. but he was still my father. going through a round of nags and accusations will just be pointless and even sinful. Well anyway, nice that we were both quiet. Up to now, we dont talk but it's not a cold atmosphere, more like contemplative. bahala na.

Monday was a beautiful day. A day when i worked and did not have idle time. Worked = really worked. Used my time wisely. Went home at 4:30pm and even had a massage. I missed work so much that i worked again til 2am.

When i go home today, i shall sleep. need to keep a balanced life. hope to watch shrek2 with rene tomorrow. he's a sweet guy.

My very first posting..

2004-05-30T10:05:00.000+08:00

It is a Sunday and I am in the office. Finishing my job would only entail 5 hours at the most. I have spent an hour already, not working, but setting up this blog.
I feel sad and angry anyway. My morning was consumed by guilttripping people who have eaten up my whole sense of energy. I feel like a deflated balloon. Worse, I am likened to a tire with no hope of being revived by the vulcanizing shop. (Vulcan..he is a greek mythological figure, right?). And they won. I do feel guilty. But I know i am not wrong.
Whatever good I do brings so much expectation that even a little denial brings forth hurt and disappointment. But maybe I am given this cross. I remember this line from spiderman, "with great power comes great responsibility". Shoots! I am given this special blessing. I guess i have to share all. Wow! What great sacrifice!
Geez. And this is what i call my very first posting! A gloomy one. But i was looking for some outlet to release my frustration and hurt, this came as a pleasant surprise. It's not altogether sad...somehow...