Sometimes when we think we are smarter

I have learned that humility is the only way to success. It is a painful process of accepting defeat, absorbing guilt, and feeling inferior. It is that painful process one goes through even if his bright mind knows better. It is keeping quiet even if your mind screams. It is an excruciatingly difficult thing to do especially if you are the type of person who has a lot to say. Sometimes it leads to hating people and to dreaming of revenge. But somehow, some core inside you makes you stop. You are encouraged to fight but I've realized that I cannot fight for myself. I fight for other people. I fight for my faith...But i don't fight for "me", my things, my heart, my intelligence.
Wow. Intelligence. Makes me cringe for writing the phrase "my intelligence". I never acknowledged that. My closest friends and relatives know that I am one who says that My God owns my brain. I have witnessed it so many times.
Success... Most of the time we associate it with the money we earn, the degree we have taken up, the position we are holding, etc. If that is the definition of success, I guess I have reached that point. But i took with me valuable lessons. Even to this day, i pray for humility because sometimes I get that tendency to know better and i know for a fact i am. But just knowing that fact makes me uncomfortable because that fact does not belong to me. It belongs to Him.
But success makes people believe that they are superior, that they are smarter. It is very scary.
There was this one day when a thought came to me. Some people have higher positions, they earn more yet when I ponder more on their status vs mine, I would realize that this situation is unfair. I know better, I work harder, I deserve better. It just made me think "eh sana ako na lang binabayaran ng ganyan eh parang masmagaling pa ako sa kanya". Pause. Goosebumps. Ang kapal ng mukha ko.
Success has its downfalls too. Humility that brought you up is lost. and those times when we think we are smarter, it just makes us more stupid. Stupid to think that we know more when success was achieved when we knew less.

restlessness and cecile licad

i feel restless and sad. i spend the nights thinking of the reasons why along with the work and chores that have been piling up. ..i don't know. im still analyzing about what the root cause is. i tried reading blogs about happiness, my old writings about joy. but they don't bring the same effect. or maybe i decided to be sad. happiness after all is a decision. I have so many things in mind that i want to talk about, write about. But i try very hard not to because i know for sure it's the loneliness that will surface. so maybe that is why i surf the net. it's like window shopping. you browse along places without knowing why. you mindlessly wander around.

...last friday was supposed to be the day i cross out one of the things i will be doing before i die. supposed to be the day...it did not happen. i was not able to watch cecile licad. i have been longing to watch her live. youtube does not give justice to how her fingers make love with the piano. it does not give me the chills..the goosebumps...there was an interview then and when she talked, i thought she was gay. her voice became deeper and more hoarse sounding. tama..magpiano na lang sya...
..i told my husband that she is my idol, that i have longed to watch her concert. he did not get the hint. thus, no tickets bought.. i don't blame him though. i guess because he was not there during the time i was practicing my sonatas. he was not there when i listened to NU107 in the morning then shifted to 98.7 for the half of my journey going to the office. we had our relationship during the time my piano playing became seldom to rare and during the time my piano was on the verge of breaking down. or maybe because when you get married you lose interest of the wants of our partners. my husband would spoil me with food. something i am starting to regret telling him (i told him that our family live to eat), that particular something i do not like to eat anymore. and i guess the interest stopped there. and sometimes...i wonder, it maybe could have been better if i got married with a friend......... yeah....di rin.
but then again, it could be nice if you share passions with your husband. i guess there is not much similarity to speak of. opposites complement that is why they attract. some people say their partners are their bestfriends. i am not one who will say the same thing. i wish though...truly.

so cecile licad..i hope you do another concert here..ill be buying the tickets myself. =)

When we are mad

Author's note: I miss my old, angsty self. This morning was not one of those good mornings. When someone would say "good morning!", I'd usually retort "What's good about the morning?" and at the back of my head I'd continue saying "certainly not you." BITCH.


When we are mad
The morning has turned black
Like the smoke that filled the window
As if a hundred cigarettes were blown in front of me

The demonlike face has destroyed the halo above me
The volcano has erupted as the fire in his face
brought shivers to my skin
I shouted, sending millions of decibels
that hounded, pounded, broke my heart.

He growled without waiting for an answer.
I said sorry with all anger
and he gave me the last look.
I saw myself in him.
He did not see me.

33rd

it's our 33 wk already. i am still amazed how i was able to hold on for this long. my duration would only last til the 4th wk until the 8th on the average.
33rd and i feel that we have been together for 10 years. every week i get this tantrum and he absorbs everything like a sponge. wawa.
i am getting fat as well. 10 lbs!!!!!
my pessimistic self asks me when i will let go. i dont know, it's as if when something is started, i think of the ending immediately. this makes me feel so stressed and more unproductive.
i still think about becoming a nun. there is this certain excitement when i think about a complete transformation. somehow, transforming oneself outside the religious realm is quite impossible.
a nun...it looks more pleasing than being married.

Their only words anyway este They're pala...

I have this habit of uttering out of the world words which translates to a more common and known noun, verb, adjective, or adverb in the dictionary. Sometimes, those words are completely wrong...este..often..most often...almost always..That's why I just write. I sound smarter when I write. duh.
Here are the list of words. Since I have not validated my words, maybe my imbentong vocabulary, grammar, and "nagfeefeeling witty" comments are correct naman.

ejaculate - i meant eject
it's not obligatory for you- you are not obliged. (is obligated a word in the dictionary?)..obligatory seems like a correct word.
I like your maong jeans ---DUH?! maong jeans?!!!
Why are you speeding so fast?! -- duh..driving so fast diba?
youre such a jest-- duh..jester. (jest came from the word zest that was on a million tarps back then..ze-ze-ze-zest!)
coming-going - i always get confused. plus the fact im greenminded.
de-growth -- meron bang ganyan?!this came from the words growth and decline. so pag nagincrease ang sales, you say "sales inclined" hehe
detonate - and this was the exact opposite of the word im thinking. up to this moment, im still thinking of the right word. see, im relying on stock knowledge (duh.) I told my friends "buti nga na-detonate nila yung bomb." they said "so may namatay? bakit buti nga?" ..i said "ay, ibig kong sabihin, di sumabog yung bomba"....and they said the correct word...i still don't remember..
what do you mean by "in any case"?
and the most famous and recent booboos...the story of by and by vs later.
"yeah he's mestizo. he's a spaniard eh." --okay. panahon ni magellan.
"so what are the plans of the isrealites now? -- fine. they plan to go to egypt.
" samarians or samaritans?" -- no comment.
"who is ruling mesopotamia now?" -- ah. iraq iha. iraq.


Just a thought. maybe we should change persian cats to iranian cats.



lyrics.com - this may be a longer list. sample muna..
i only learned this when i was working already...Sting's Message in a Bottle....And i did not even have a clue... At the end of each stanza when sting's voice becomes really really low, he'd sing, as i understood it then, "message in a pot of gold"and i always wondered where the bottle word would be inserted. So there. it was really "message in a bottle-llll" "lll" signified the extra syllable which i thought was "gold".
meron pa...i'd sing " you don't give me love..you give me pale shelter. you don't give me love. you give me calm down." ayos. no sense at all. but it sure sounds like the right lyrics. my officemate said it should be "cold hands". i believe her. she was real new wave baby anyway.

that's all for now.

Randomly Morbid Thoughts

Author’s Note: From my pessimistic attitude, very creative imagination, and advocacy to the truth, these thoughts are those I don’t want to happen though very probable they might become. The world is getting cruel, everyone eats shit sometimes..consistently.

One day I shall get a nervous breakdown for thinking too much. My dad has given me this gene. I’m glad he is still alive.

One day I shall commit suicide for taking everything in.

One day, my breasts will burst and loads of fat will be taken off my body.

One day I shall let go and become the bummest bum in the world.

One day I will become poor and will have to beg in the streets.

One day, I shall get better and better and more stressed and the whole world will become my enemy.

One day, the whole world will end and I will be left on this earth with criminals and my boss.

One day, all the angst will wrinkle my face.

I might not have children. (I’d like to think not having children will be my choice not my limitation)

One day my boyfriend will leave me.

One day, I will not crave for lovemaking.

One day, my partner will just open my legs, penetrate me, then sleep or be off to work. (Men can be such assholes)

One day, I will be as fat as my boss.

One day, I will become my boss.

One day, I will realize my boyfriend is just like my brother after all.

One day, my father will not help me at all.

I will be a sad bitch when I die.

I see myself selling bananaques in front of office buildings with a big apron with big and deep pocket holes.

And lastly….

I see myself working so hard in the office, cooking at home, doing chores, helping kids with assignments, bringing them and fetching them to and from school, doing groceries,
Doing finance planning, getting fatter and fatter, getting beaten by my husband, seeing my husband sleep and say “I’m tired.” (curse curse curse….)

Time and Tide.

note: this really must be pms. when this routine started, i was amazed by how we still try to see each other even for just a short time. at least, we get to see each other. now, my expectations are climbing up the charts again. well, not really. those short time (s) take up our rest time (s) that we get sick na rin. so what is there to be thankful for? now this is REALLY PMS.

Nov 26
Ry - go out with college friends
Pom - work

Nov 27
am
Pom - go out with officemates
Ry - will TRY to do shopping. i dont like hassles during xmas kasi eh. i hate buying gifts as well. but i have to. and it's time that i have to try to learn. only once in my life i enjoyed shopping for xmas. it was with a friend. we started shopping around 9 then we ended around 3pm. around this time, Pom will be deadtired. and even if he tells me that we cant go shopping yet coz it's not sweldo time for him, this free time shall never happen whether or not payday has come. it's like being single again. afternoons will be handled by moi. goodbye to the dream of having someone to hold hands with while walking in the malls. for a movie lover, I have only watched two movies with him. no change even when i was single. BUT he needs his rest and now im complaining already. DAMN these mood swings.
- will try to find suppliers of baskets.
- will watch a movie (im not going to watch a movie tonight anymore)
pm
Pom & Ry - go to bernie's for the farewell party...sleep (puyatan na naman!).

Saturday Nights: i was used to sleeping early or going out late with friends. aposento was the place. eisen was my partner. Pom was my kulitan partner at home. now, saturday nights are not even intimate. always at parties.(okay. o.a. lang ako.) and we both keep on yawning.
sometimes, id want to go out on saturday nights but this is the only time we can be together..longer....

Nov 28
am
Pom - sleep
Ry - attend mass
- hopefully do some chores and gift wrap if there is anything to wrap
- meeting with some clients (wedding) but this meeting is not sure yet.
- willl TRY to do some shopping again.
pm
Pom - family time
Ry - sleeping time

okay... i shall not continue anymore. this is just a masochistic way of epitomizing my mood swings. bottomline, i miss him.
really, my mom has this way of making me feel cheap. now i question my boyfriend why i have to "stretch" and be the one to meet up with him for breakfast just because i wont be able to see him in the pm. that short 30 mins of saying hi, hello, eating, and then goodbye was okay with me. id complain to him pa nga that i always see him already. now my mom....there she goes again with her opinion "dont show him too much".
ayos. tang ina. note: this can be ignored if you are a close friend. you know very well that this is just one of those days. but i shall not realize that yet. schizobitch.

but what if my prediction is right? my time, your time? party time? quality time? rest time? play time? recuperation time? time of the month? NO MORE TIME. one day, we will both be tired. (p-e-s-s-i-m-i-s-t-i-c)

Oh their goodness!

This is an activity I shall be doing to remind myself that life is really good and that the bad things that happen will just be followed by a “duh?!”, a question mark. Let me start with good things in my relationship. Note: happiness is a decision. If I dwell on the bad and not even acknowledge my learning, then I will not grow nor gain any wisdom. When we are overwhelmed with grief or sadness, all happiness is erased, as if the world or God or nature has been unfair all along. I have overcome that state when I have realized what a beautiful world this is and much more when I realized that the world’s beauty is nothing compared to the promise of heaven. And now that I am in an entirely new dimension of growth, specifically the dimension of relationships, I would want to remember the good. Practically speaking, if there will be a time that I will think about letting go or giving up, I shall go back to this piece and the other pieces I shall be making and then decide. Because in those times when we are in the hands of weakness, that certain weakness that breaks the bonds of relationships, that specific “I give up”, the only thing we can cling to is goodness, that specific gift of love which makes us loyal to the covenant God has imparted.

Pom…..
1. has courted me traditionally
2. visits me in the house
3. makes me laugh (super di obvious since people think im the noisy one.)
4. washed, waxed, and vacuumed my car when I got sick
5. has tried to overcome his “family alienation syndrome” when he introduced me to his family and when he invited me to eat dinner in his house (though not with his family). This is still an issue but I do hope he will get over this as I would really like to “not feel uncomfortable” around the Valinos.
6. gave me flowers when he proposed to me
7. gave me flowers when I cried because of work problems (first time that I cried because of work). Gist: I went home and there were flowers on my bed. The message read “ Cheer up hun. I shall see you later.”
8. gave me flowers when I felt so bad that I was not able to eat dinner with him because of work. I knew he felt bad as well since he had to wake up early just so he can have dinner with me before going to work.(graveyard shift sha)
9. Got my license
10. fetched me in tagaytay right after his work (6am from makati til 8am in tagaytay travel time. Imagine how high his drowse levels must be!). Saw him smiling as he gave me flowers (4th time) and said “good morning!”
11. gave a magnificent breakfast treat at breakfast@antonio’s in tagaytay
12. and I went to tagaytay together in one of those weekends that I really needed some fresh air and rejuvenation (damn my office life!)
13. gives the best kiss
14. gives the best hug.. (I shall stop describing any physical intimacies already..hehe)
15. can be left alone with my friends
16. tells me I am beautiful even if I look fat, mufasa-like, and even if I have just gotten up from a forced wake up call in the morning. (pom, if you are reading this, this does not excuse you for pinching my bilbil noh!)
17. tells me he loves me so much in the wee hours of the morning
18. surprised me with a midnight “hello” call. And “you’re still sleeping” call at 7:45 am today
19. gave me his bronze pilot wings
20. writes beautiful letters
21. shared with me security access codes
22. shared with me his concerns in looking for a job
23. is patient with my moodswings that are translated to a monthly, “break na tayo!” brought about by my period..hehe..
24. hates crying ladies..but tries to be understanding towards my waves of sadness
25. exchanged a blissful tagaytay gimmik with his officemates for a promise of a dinner treat with me..


Back to work muna..pampakilig lang