It's that thing that makes me go...

COFFEE!!!! I miss the smell of real brewed coffee. Since the time i started going to work via C5, no more magallanes to see. No more baristas to ask me "ryanne, the usual?" I miss those baristas. They actually wanted me join them for the love of coffee.

I now get nauseated easily with instant. I now know the difference between pale bitterness and the "brewed" bitterness.

Ahh..i miss new york city. Walking with tons of people in the cold dry morning while hands are still warmed by the hot mug i would carry around.

The aroma of coffee is the best. Lavishly inhaling its S-shaped evaporation is a slow sexy movement. It's like inhaling the scent of cologne of a guy before cuddling and squeezing yourself nearer to his body. The scent of coffee just entices me to close my eyes, linger for a moment, open my eyes, stare at the mug, follow the S-shaped movement, and finally roll my eyes, take a deep breath and let out a slow but meaningful..AHHHH..with my head bent backwards and my two hands gripping the mug....Then take a sip, lick my lips, and say THIS IS SOOOOOO GOOD....The next step is to get a puff. Nothing beats coffee aroma w/ winston lights smoke. Two sticks for a tall non fat cappuccino will be fine. Stay within 20 mins and I will be up and about. Longer time means more coffee and cigarettes. Still, it would be A1 if there is conversation going on. COFFEE CONVERSATIONS I CALL THEM. They are the most revealing, most intimate, most corny, most shallow, most romantic, most funny, and compared to alcohol banter, the safest tete- a -tete. Coffee.... I may lose calcium, vitamin C, have lung cancer, and die early. But i dont abuse. I just optimize.

AND I TAKE ANOTHER SIP.......I LET OUT A BIG SIGH...


This is the life. Drinking coffee is bliss. It's orgasmic.

Tomorrow, i'll be up early and pass by magallanes. I miss those baristas. But i know my coffee misses me more.

615

there is a piercing ache that numbs me
when everything seems to be in good light
i am saddened
for what is there to see besides my own sarcasm

the hurt is there.
some egotistical reason that i should not be
claiming im better

but im happy
somehow.
there are more reasons for it anyway

but something stops me
my hallucination gets to be my own nemesis

as i stare and watch the leaves sway,
i try to smell the flowers.
yes they are there.
i am not..but im hoping to arrive soon.

June 11 - Optimus prime strikes again!

After 6 days of barely sleeping, not going home early (or better yet, going home early in the morning), and nonstop gimmicking with my cousins from LA, i have decided not to go out today.
I shall see the sun again when i go home!! yipee...i can imagine myself lying on my bed with just brazilian music playin..but not quite yet...im still here. another 5 hours of work.
FRIDAY. a day im supposed to wear a skirt. i love that skirt. i look 7 years younger with that. and since i dont wear make up, i know this guy from this bar would ask for my id again. grrr...
i reminded myself im not going out. sayang ang skirt. wore practically old clothes (again, hate shopping)...i was all set to drive fast to prevent myself from falling asleep. Watching paolo santos last night really did nothing to boost my friday. anyway, c5 was such a breeze until i heard (ha! my hearing is still okay despite my 1000000 decibels of music) metals screwing the road.
okay. flat tire. Thank God i did not skid. I was at 0 kph anyway. the benefits of a destroyed speedometer..
i dont drive a car...It's a van i call optimus prime. this is the third time it went kaplank!
Flat tires, overheating, falling doors, and stuck wipers! name it, he has it! I really feel it's his time to transform.
anyway, changing tires was quite fast. at least it was not the door falling. mabigat yon!
that thing which keeps the spare tire just went kablag! okay so putol na ang metal. rusty.
just for the record, optimus is not mine. he wont be like this if i owned him.
so it's noon. it has been a long day already. i want my coffee. or maybe a tall zen tea with a shot of mint and honey will be great!
need to watch shrek2. but optimus gave enough animation for the day.
now i wish i did not give up staying in the apt....hassle hassle hassle...
i shall work now. i just hope optimus will not transform again later.

my june 7 post

dead tired last saturday. left the fone in my house. received around 10 missed calls (a friend of mine receives more though). had around 17 msgs (still an amateur compared to my friends). i never thought leaving my cp at home was such a big deal. weekends are quiet days where in my fone does not do anything but stay inside my room while i spend my non-work days couch potatoeing...(imbentong word!). but last saturday was pain in the body, mind, and fingers. had to text those people who were so upset since i did not reply. but somehow, i could not blame them. this is a world where technology makes slaves out of human beings. saturday was my bro's bday too. my bro = steaks. i love steaks!
and i thought i could watch a movie last sunday. but alas! relatives from the states came and i had to bring them to ghills for shopping. i dont shop. i hate shopping but i love my cousins and my aunt! my feet hurt and i longed for a good cup of coffee (okay, sounded so incoherent..feet hurting and coffee...makes no sense to me).. going to 3rd floor virramall was a nightmare! pirated cds and vcds and DVDS were just plainly exposed! That was the time i wished i was blind. My aunt even bought around a hundred dvds!!! the redundant guy kept on insisting i should buy and i just told him..."Leave me alone you mofo! i am from showbiz!! " hehe!
Then my childish urge came to haunt me..possess me...i took pictures of those people buying and selling. I even said "hey, smile!". I received dagger looks of course! But I did not miss seeing their hands gathering the "garbage" which were then kept under the racks.
The night was spent with stories of our families, laughter, and booze. We were a crazy lot!
June is a busy month...and a rainy one as well...when will i be able to watch a movie..sit back and relax?...i miss my bed!!!

Some kind of a new music..sorta..lika..whateva..

I have just discovered I have had this passion for different tunes and artist for quite a long time already (ssssssllllllooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww).
Surfing the net brought such delight in such discovery. Downloading mp3s in the office was the most amazing thing I learned last 2002! Well, my learning was short lived for mp3s and downloading are not permitted anymore since the start of 2003. Now I have to suffer the very very very slow winmix downloading in my own pc. Yeah, next time, I’ll invest in multimedia. I will have to buy a house first.

Anyway, Ryanboy has helped me research for new artists. Jason Mraz was one new person last 2002. I fell in love with him instantly! That time as well, I have grown to love Dave Matthews and his band. No more Crash into me but Crush. No more Ants Marching and hello Grey Street! Jason looked like Hugh Grant in a less fortunate image though. But I like his songs…those which I cannot decipher. I would like to go to San Diego and that beach where he jams with Poca, whoever he is.

Ryan has also introduced a Christian Catholic Band, Stephen Speaks. That time, no station was playing any SP song yet. I loved the band. I loved the songs. Most of all, I love the way they based their lyrics from the Bible. Grr….Im selfish with my music most of the time. I hated it when their songs were overplayed and teenagers fell helplessly infatuated with the boys.

Then came Jack Johnson with his blues tunes. Flake has this nice string duet. Was that Jeff Buckley or am I mixing names again? I love his song Dreams be dreams. Nice beach tune but the way he made his arrangement with the strings was still audible. And there’s more.

Nick Drake. I think he is so cute. He died at the age of 25(?). I don’t memorize what I read and my memory retention lasts only within the duration of my reading. He is the man behind Northern Sky of the Serendipity soundtrack. He has a lot of meaningful poems. I hope I can be able to hear what melodies he has placed for them.

Ani Di Franco. And I thought Barbie of Barbie’s cradle had an original voice. I remember her band won the best band in our school with a very poor impersonation of Doris of the Cranberries. And then with her nice slow-fast beats, I thought she was better with her own musical genre..that was before I learned about the Ani di Franco. The original singer of 32 flavors. Her songs are great. Her guitar playing is even more flawless. A different expertise I do respect apart from our very own Cynthia Alexander.

Now, my research has led me to Beth Orton(or is it Orthon, I forget!), Anya Marina, and Maria Mena. The latter’s song is heard on radio. Nice lyrics and similar beats of Ani di Franco. But she’s only 18. I visited her website and got a pre-audio view of her album. Great songs, each packed with a unique set of lyrics and tunes. Being Norwegian, her voice blends perfectly with her own sound. Anya Marina however is just starting.. a promising act I would want to follow. The German Heather Nova is also a prominent artist in soundtracks. Her wistful yet strong-sweet voice can just make you fall in love. And then I should not forget The Natalie Merchant, Indigo Girls, Joni M., and uhmm..who else…too many gifted musicians.

Piano playing shall never be forgotten. Hats off to Tori Amos though eccentric (weird is a better word for Bjork) in her videos. I almost cried when I watched her play with two pianos at the same time while singing Cornflake Girl. In some songs, you would think she is bringing a positive message yet a second or third or a even fourth play (fourthplay…hmmmmm…) will make you ponder on the lyrics. Negative rin pala. Angst filled sometimes. Then there is Vienna Teng. Soulful. Although the recording seems a bit poor. I would like to watch her perform live. There’s Ms. N Jones whose voice just lulls you. Sex weather. Makes you want to sleep with someone.

There are too many to mention. (wow! Slam book). I still listen to the cure and sting and of course the musical rock new wave pop gods, U2. Paul Hewson aka Bono is still someone I would want to sleep with (sounds of NJones in the background).

I wish John Lennon was still alive so I can join one of his pot sessions so we can play good music. Hehe! My dad will just kill me! And there is BB king and Eric Clapton too.

For now, I’m just content to relax and unwind at Pete’s place to hear Merville and Pque men (young and old) play a wide range of music. Jazz, Rock, Blues, World Music. I wish I can hear them jam to Al Jarreau’s Spain.

I am through with acting and showbizness, music has been my first love after all. Shall I now venture into it? Nah….later..later…magvo-voice lessons muna ako! Mihihihiyohohohohohohohoho (5x in different keys)! vocalize!

Eisen'spasta and Rene's crinkles

Sunday was nice after all. Eisen prepared lunch for me and proudly presented her new recipe.Well not hers but she can perfectly follow instructions and concoct some of her own culinary magic. As i did not have a car, i boldly asked her to pick me up. Bummer! coz i still have to go back at 4:00pm since the system will be off from 10am to 4pm.
Then again, as if God still showed mercy, Mercia was still running.

I was really down. Spent most of the Sunday morning crying. I guess Ma and Pa have noticed this. I did not want to talk about it.

Eisen was a breath of fresh air. She, with her impatient self, did not stop texting that she was waiting at the lobby. She was not there. She parked after all. and with her cute dog Oscar! hay! I debated with myself if i will tell her. I did not want to add any more problems. But heck! my heart was killing me. I told her instead. And she was very malambing.

She spoiled me. (now im sounding like a lesbian). I just sat there. waited for her to finish setting up and i felt like a queen. hay! tranquil madness! sonic nirvana! Food was great. It's this pasta with grilled chicken and mozzarella on top. We also had Caesar salad. And of course, dunkin donuts for dessert. Heaven! Sharing with her my problems brought me to tears. I think it's the first time I cried because I was hurt and hurt was caused by family. I wanted to cry out loud but i cannot. I would not. She just listened. And maybe she did not know what to do. But it was alright. I just needed to talk to someone badly. I felt so helpless.

We watched Next Stop in Wonderland again. She liked it. Insightful indie romance film.

Rene texted me. He wanted to bring food. He bought me Becky's Kitchen crinkles. He even went to Eis' house just to give me the sweets. He was so sweet that he even brought me back to the office.

Hay! very nice people. I needed them that day. I dreaded going home. but weird that my dad has been waiting for me all day near my office. Maybe he thought i was going to run away. duh?! Well, he picked me up. the ride was awkward. I still felt so hurt. We both attended mass. but he was still my father. going through a round of nags and accusations will just be pointless and even sinful. Well anyway, nice that we were both quiet. Up to now, we dont talk but it's not a cold atmosphere, more like contemplative. bahala na.

Monday was a beautiful day. A day when i worked and did not have idle time. Worked = really worked. Used my time wisely. Went home at 4:30pm and even had a massage. I missed work so much that i worked again til 2am.

When i go home today, i shall sleep. need to keep a balanced life. hope to watch shrek2 with rene tomorrow. he's a sweet guy.